I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
