just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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