So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You need a sexual gate keeper
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
