Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
