ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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