My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
