bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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