this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
