I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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