We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
