he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
