You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
