my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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