Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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