what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
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After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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