Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
