You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
