i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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