Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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