I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
