I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
