i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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