Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
