I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
