i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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