It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
