When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
