tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
