Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
