His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
