i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
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You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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