why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
