My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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