So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
