Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
