my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
