I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
