Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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