she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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