omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
