He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
