i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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