What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
