If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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