I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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