I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
