see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
