Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
