Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
