Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
