i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
