420 ftw
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
