I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
